I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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