Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize