the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
This is the high leading the old right now
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
