I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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