Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
