i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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