Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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