Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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