Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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