I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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