So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
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She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
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sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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