"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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