Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
