i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
