walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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