i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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