Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I pour the whiskey from now on
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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