just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
