Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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