You can't special order awesome
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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