don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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