Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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