I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
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