I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
3 2 1 whiskey
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
