I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
