My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
