oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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