his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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