dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
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I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
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What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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