it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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