I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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