You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
