i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
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facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
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and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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