My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Dick is healthier for you than green beans