somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
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