I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
