it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
