I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Randomize
