Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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