You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
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