i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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