you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
His nipple licking is glorious
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