Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
