I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
