Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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