It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
