It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen