i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
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Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
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Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?