after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
my shit smells like andre
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
