Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
