Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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