This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
