Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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