you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
