Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
