I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
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At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
So here I am, sexting at work.
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