My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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