is your mom at the bar?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
The struggles of a small town man whore
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
You ever have a fart follow you around?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
