I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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