i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
