We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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