I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
